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Friday, February 8th, 2008
11:49 pm - Quotes from stupid

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."

Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV

"Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV

"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio

Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."

"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4

"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV

"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

source: 3gold.com

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Saturday, January 13th, 2007
6:26 pm

so there's this lady...a very lonely woman at that...so she walks past this petshop on the way home from work everyday & see's this sign in the window, "KISSING FROGS - $50"...one day she's feeling so lonely that she stops at the store & gets some info...the guy at the store tells her to follow the instructions taped to the side of the bowl & that there is a 24 hour help line in case she's having problems, also there is a money back guarentee!!!

so the lady says why not & buys a frog, lays down $50 and walks out with a smile on her face...she gets home & starts with the instructions...#1 prepare for yourself a romantic dinner - she does it & eats by candle light with the frog...#2 take a nice hot bath - she does so, relaxing even more with the frog next to her...#3 don some very sexy lingere - she does so & starts feeling very good about this frog thing...#4 lay in bed with the frog set on a pillow next to you - she does so but nothing happens, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes go by, NOTHING!!!

so the lady picks up the instructions and calls the number, explaining to the man at the petshop that she's done everything in the instructions but no action from the frog...the man hangs up & 5 minutes later there's a knock on her door...the guy from the petstore enters & asks "Where is the frog? Show me where he is!"...she walks the man up the stairs, through the door, & into her bedroom - pointing at the uninterested frog...the man from the petstore then asked the lady to lie down on the bed exactly where she was at when the problem began, she does so...the man then gets on the bed, picks up the frog, looks at it face to face & says "LOOK SHITHEAD, THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS!"

hey hey!!!!!!

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2:26 pm - the prostitute and the koala
mrshannibal A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table,
and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more.
This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do
it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time,
there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala
decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a
prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he
has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How
about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought
out a dictionary and it said...
PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it
KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

current mood: amused

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Friday, August 4th, 2006
8:03 am
mrshannibal head cook and bottle washer

In working for family support division for a local county, i received a call from a custodial parent to let me know she couldn’t come to court she later said the absent parent had graduated from the Culinary Academy.

Further conversation w/her revealed he was working at the JACK IN THE BOX.

current mood: amused

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Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
4:17 pm
mrshannibal Purina Diet

I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.
So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from
laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.

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Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
10:04 am
mrshannibal weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lbs. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck . She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful , sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next
>four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 >pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

current mood: amused

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Sunday, April 9th, 2006
2:41 pm - video jokes

long time no joke...



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Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
3:25 pm - *taps mic*

what did the doctor give the duck?

what do all lobsters have in their pockets?

what did one window say to the other?

thanks...I'll be here all week...

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Saturday, February 26th, 2005
5:55 pm

What's so great about fucking 25 year olds?

There is 20 of them.

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Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
11:17 am - Kindda Naughty

Do you know the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in a bathtub ?

The woman in a church has a soul full of hope. The woman in a bathtub has a hole full of soap!

current mood: sick

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Thursday, June 17th, 2004
1:57 pm

So, two atoms are walking along together and one realizes,
"Shit, I think I lost an electron!"
And the other, getting concerned askes,
"Are you positive??"

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Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
3:08 pm

What's black and blue and hates sex?

THe baby in my closet.

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Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
3:05 am

Got Diddles?

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Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
12:13 pm - haven't had a joke in a while...

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"


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Thursday, February 5th, 2004
2:45 pm

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "you know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique. It really is phemonemal. But let me ask you something, why is your head so small?

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously answered this many times.

"One day," he begins. "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting by a stream.

"So I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.'

"So I looked around to make sure I was alone and I gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

"She said, 'you now have three wishes.'

"I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwartzennegar.'

"She nodded, whispered a spell and then POOF! there i was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked.

"She then asked, 'what's your second wish?.'

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, " i want to make sensuous love to you buy this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me.

"Later as we lay next to each other, sweating form our glorious love making, she wispered into my ear, 'you know you still have one more wish. What will it be?'

"I looked at her and replied, 'How about a little head?'"

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Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
7:53 pm - Making cakes

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl said, "Mommy, what are they doing?"

The mother hesitated, then quickly replied, "Um, they're making cakes."

The next day they were at a zoo and the little girl saw two monkeys having sex. Again she asked her mother, "What are they are doing?"

Her mother replied with the same response: "Making cakes."

The next day the girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night."

Shocked, the mother asked, "How do you know?"

She said, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

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Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
10:08 pm

who is michael jackson's favorite poet?


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10:06 pm

what did the man on the beach say to michael jackson?


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Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
11:27 am

so this string walks into a bar & orders a tequilla...bartender tells it "we don't serve to strings in here"...the string leaves...

the next day the string comes back, hurting for a tequilla...begs for a shot...bartender tells it again "sorry there pal, we don't serve to strings!!!"

the next day the string needs the drink so bad he goes to the bar...he's too nervous to go in, so he just kinda hangs out next to the door...by this point, the string is so nervous he ties himself into a knot & his bottom is all frayed...finally gets enough courage to walk in & order a tequilla...

goes in & orders...bartender says "aren't you that string that's been coming in here all week? I thought I told you we don't serve you!!!" the string then replies "I'm a frayed knot!"


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Sunday, September 28th, 2003
1:45 pm

okay okay okay one more...hahahhahahhahahahha...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was eating batteries, the other was eating fireworks...they charged one & blew the other away!!!

oh that's so good...

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